The Girl I Know

She once feel these kind of feeling
Desperation, not confidence, and lost
Where no one want to help but not really helping
Where life seems dark to her
That was years ago
When the whole boy in the school tease her and called her ugly
Everyday she couldn't face the crowd
Everyday she passed the school yard with the head down
Everyday she believed that no man would love her
Everyday she screamed for help but no one was listening, or had the courage to help her
Everyday she hoped that there was just one guy that would help her and stand for her. One was enough for her.
But no one did that for her.
Everyday she tried to stay strong, to stand in her feet.
Because she knew no one will back her up
Not even her parents or people that she loved
So she became stronger. At least strong enough to just live the day
But she grow believing that she is not worthy
And She grow with the fake confidence that she put in her face everyday
She is still standing in her feet until now.
Put a smile everyday like she has the full confidence.
Convincing people that she is a happy girl and enjoying the life.
Ignoring her own soul which getting broken everyday.
She is the strongest and the weakest girl I've ever known.
Strong ..
Because she is able to live the day with all the bully and trauma that she received.
Weak ..
Because she fail to convince herself that she is worthy and beautiful enough to ignore all those negative opinions about her.

Photo Credit :
Taken by @r_amalina (Instagram)
Edited by 비빈

Who You?

The pain is growing by the time
The anxiety almost get the good of you
The tears even refuse to come
The words can't describe how you feel
And people interpret things as they want
Because they can't see you
They can't feel you

They don't understand
No one would understand
And you grow heavier and sadder
Anxiety just killing your way and your sanity

Then the curiosity shows me a way
A way that lead me to you
I see myself when you describe yourself
I bare my soul by the way you bare your own soul
You talk about your very own self but peel the mask of mine
I see myself in you

So what is it?
Is it just another path that never crossed
Another crush that will be broken in a matter of short time
Tears for the one-sided feelings
Interest that feels like love

Or is it the beginning for you to find me?
The beginning for me to wait you?
The beginning that lead our path to crossed someday ..
Somewhere ...
Is it the heart that lead the way when fog of mysteries called the future blind your eyes and logic?
Is it the sign that I will be the one who cure you ..
And you cure me ..
In the road that will be extremely hard, but face it together as us ..
No longer you and me ..
Or you and her ..
But us .. It's us ..

Is it a Fata Morgana of the anxiety and lonely heart?
Or is it the rib who walk to the owner?

Abroad

While many people are so tense about many things happened in the world wherever it is, I just wanna share about my little world.

I guess I was never really born in the family nor environment who think going abroad is an easy thing or even possible. For many people in my environment where I grew up, it is just a dream that hardly been made, except going to Makkah for Haj. Even for that, we do really need to save some money for so many years.

Why? Simply because it is require us so much money just to going abroad, even for going to our neighbor countries.

Even up until now, I am still find it really hard to just going abroad, even only for holidays. But then while I am growing up, meeting another environment, I start to think that maybe going abroad isn't that impossible as long as you have a will. If you don't have money, then use your brain to find .. I don't know .. anything (cause people saying, "All Roads Lead to Rome") to help you out of this country for a while. And many friends of mine showed me that they can go with so little money required.

For me at least, travelling abroad is something rare, precious even, almost impossible I can say. And many other people might think the same. But then when you have hope and when your environment support you to always get out from your comfort zone, always seeking little adventures, being thrilled with the challenges, then one day ... one day ... you can arrived in the stranger land, explore a whole new world, explore your own self. Amazed and captivated with what a stranger land could give you

I am not really sure why I am telling this but I guess because I am so happy to see my environment start to change when I am watching people around me going to many places outside Indonesia.

Greedy for experiences and up for challenges. Also being witnesses how it change them, excitement, and more confidence in their eyes. Trust me, you need to go abroad for at least once in your life and if possible, for some couple weeks or months to enable yourself to really feels the new environment and explore more. It is worth it! Trust me, it is!!

But for it, you need strong hopes, believe, and will!

p.s. a little tips for you, please do learn about culture shock if you are about to go abroad cause it will help you to adapt there and understand the changes happen in you

The Best Performance Ever!

I think this performance is the best performance among all the performance that I've been seen from team B or iKON. Even when I hear the same song live in the concert, the feel already different now. I still try hard to hold my tears whenever I see this performance.

This may make me feel engaged with them. Even there are a lot of better artist right now and even I do also like the other boy band or songs but I'd choose them to be the first Korean boy band that I went to their concert in my life even they're rookies. Because I love to see those passion in their performance.

Now they are going in the happy road now. Those desperation might not appear again in the future. I'm happy with their situation now but I do hope they always remember those desperation in the day when this video taken so they will be able to keep humble and do their best to pursue their bigger dream in the future.

Every of your supporter or so-called fans here are happy that everything change into better things for you guys now but I personally hope that those eagerness that I saw in this video won't change. I hope you always be able to perform or sing from your bottom heart so the audience able to feel touched and feel the same way as yours.

He Taught Me

He makes me fall in love
He taught me the inner happiness when I was able to make him smile
He taught me the sadness when he built a wall between me and him
He taught me the desperate and longing feelings when I tried to make everything work again between us but he didn't want it
He taught me the jealousy when he treated everyone so nice with all his heart while he ignored me and pushed me away
He taught me how to let go and find my own peace by hurting, ignoring, and treating me as he wants
He taught me how to forgive even he might not deserve it
He taught me how to act cool when I'm brokenhearted
Because of him, I make myself okay when it suppose to be not okay

***

But do you realize the irony?

You realize and try to make everything when I can't even see your existence anymore, when everything is just virtual.

I might be okay and cool today, but don't blame if I'm in doubt in the next day.

Because I'm in the dark right now, I can't make sure your sincerity

I can't really feel your sincerity because everything is just virtual ...

Missing at Heart

She's strong and she wants to be stronger day by day
Because she wants to be able to accompany and support him even in his hard times
She's thousand miles away from him and she's missing him so much
But she doesn't dare to tell him the truth
So she always slipped that word between her jokes to cover the true intention
She really wants to call or do video call with him
But she doesn't dare to ask
Because she knows that he doesn't love her yet
Because she afraid if he knows that she still love him, he won't contact him anymore
So she secretly listen his voice note over and over again whenever he send it to her
And after that she smile because she feel grateful that he still wants to left traces of his real existence for her
Her friends tell her to let go of him and just move on
Her friends say since he thousand miles away so it will be easier to move on
But she would rather to feel the pain of missing him than lose him
She thinks that it would be easier to keep the feeling rather than get rid of it

So she starts to learn
to learn how to manage her missing feeling
Manage to just keep it in her heart
So he won't be annoy with it
So he won't feel uncomfortable with her feeling and willing to talk to her as a friend
She will keep it in her heart
Until the day when he finally love her comes
Until the day when he finally say to her, "I miss you"
She doesn't know whether that day will comes or not
She doesn't know how to make that day comes to her
She is now walking in the dark path without light
But she believe that the light will shows up one day
And she willing to wait

Good Bye 2015!

So Hi!
It's still 9: 29 pm on January 1, 2016 when I start writing this so it's still new year, right?

I'm sleepy, finally I feel sleepy in this hour. Since I arrived at Korea, most of the time I can't sleep before it's 2 or 3 am and it's so annoying!
But I decided to write on my blog about what I thought on the previous year 2015.

I'm actually not the type who has a good memories or remembering how the feeling of  some particular events in my life if it's already happened for quiet a long time. Well, long time for me means more than 4 months. I know it's quiet short but I do really have a bad memories.

For me 2015 is a beyond imagination year!
It isn't a plain year like some previous years in my life.
In this year I've been through a lot of things.

At the first time of my life, I decided to try a new challenge to be a leader of a music event. I know I'm an amateur who know nothing on organizing a music event before but the reason to took that challenge is because I want to be a music promoter or become a Korean Entertainment Agency's staff in the future so it would become a great experience for me to learn about the environment in this field. I was also taking a big step at that time since that was also the first time for me to finally had the courage to take the leader role on big event or occasion.

But then those became a big lesson in my life. Well, a big lesson won't come easily. It means that there are hurtful, rough, and hard path that I've been through in order to get the lesson. In this experience I was learning to face a failure and my biggest failure is not able to manage the risk well and fail to put us together in one vision so everything become a mess. At this time I didn't know what decision that I had to make it everything's right so I decided to step down from my position as a team leader.
Those decision was not an easy thing to make because I know that I can lost my credibility and be judged as irresponsible person for a long time but at that time time what I could think was if I keep my ego and keep being a leader then I will ruin this team deeper.

These failure may be the worst failure I’ve ever had but then I know that it isn’t a bad choice for the team and myself because from the new team leader, I able to learn more about leadership and how to handle people also facing the problems. And then from this experience I believe that failure is not there to destroying me but to develop me more in the future. That’s why I’m not embarrassed to tell this story to people. From the past experience, I realize that I eagerly want to expand my limit from many and various people also experiences in order to become a successful and global leader.


Then I tried to apply one of the exchange scholarship program that I've been waiting for about 3 years. This scholarship means a lot for me since it's been a long time that I want to go abroad, do exchange, become a better person for myself and people around me, and also go to South Korea. While completing the application I put a mindset in my mind that it would be the last chance for me to go abroad, get scholarship, and do exchange program since I'm already in my last year of college so if I couldn't get this scholarship then I've to focus on my internship report and thesis.
At this time I didn't even dare to tell to many people even my best friends that I'm applying this program since I'm afraid that if I tell to many people and I failed, I'll be feel ashamed and stress.

And a miracle happen to me! I became one of the awardees in this program which is FAFL 2015/2016 (Fostering ASEAN Future Leaders Programme 2015/2016). I couldn't even believe myself that I worth to receive this scholarship. But then I still didn't dare tell this good news to many people even my best friends because I was facing hard times when completing the documents and the visa application. I was fighting with the time. Every preparation was so thrilling so I thought that I'll tell my best friends when everything is fix and clear.
But then I feel so sorry since I was able to do that,telling the good news to my best friends, when I already on my way to the airport so they didn't have the chance to meet me before I was going to South Korea.

A lot of 'first time happening in my life' happened while doing this program. It the first time for me to experience the magic of mountain and truly see also experience it by myself the word "People will show their true self in mountain". I hiked! I truly I did and had a bravery to climb a mountain. And I wouldn't able to climb without all the help from my ASEAN friends. Trust me my ASEAN friends are amazing people in one place!

I'm still doing this exchange program until now. What I can say about this program is I learn a lot to be grateful every second and be mature as a woman. There are always miracles in my daily and everyday life while doing this program and also there are a lot of challenges whether it's in my personal or professional life that makes me always have to learn to be a mature woman.

Hans Christian Andersen once saying, "To Travel is to Live" is really true.
When you do really travel, everything is just different from what you always heard. The spiritual experiences aren't able to be described in the words. While traveling you'll know how to be truly appreciate every moment, every second in your life

So good bye 2015!
A wonderful and beyond imagination year in my life!

I leave this year with true smile since I know that I've done all my best in my personal and professional life even in my love life!
So I leave this year with no regrets!


And in case you're curious with what is my resolution in this leap year then I'll boldly saying:

I WANT TO ALWAYS BE LOVED!






Cheers!


Vivin Septiani J a.k.a your beloved Bibin

Being Loved by You

 

For a girl like me, having a crush will lead me to a disaster. Breaking my heart into pieces because it will just ended up as one-side love. All the guys that I've ever loved would put a distance from me when they found out that I've feeling for them even before we close enough to know each other well.

So my love for them stopped as fast as it came.

"Maybe I'm just an ugly girl, both inside and outside. So that's way I don't deserve to be loved." That's what I can think whenever my heart broken into pieces again and again. Yup! No one willing to love me as a woman.

But then you came into my life ..

We were just strangers who trapped in a place without really wanted to know each other before.

So when does this feeling started?

Never ask me that question since I don't know the answer.

All I remember is I want to see him again and again until I have this couple chances to know him better.

And this feeling just come slowly until I don't have the power to control and handle it. A feeling to give him all I have while I'm still able to feel his presence around me.

But those feeling about being rejected come along with those love for him. Afraid that our story will end up the same like my pathetic love life before.

And when I started to lost into my own fear about losing him,

He comes, reach his hand towards me, and pull me out from the darkness I created.

He takes care of me so much, he brings me laughter in my daily life, he knock my door to show me that he's still here with me whenever those fear take control over me again.

Do you know what makes me fall in love with him over and over again?

Because he let me to be myself whenever I'm around him.

Because he let me to show him my fear, my happiness, my love, my anger, my worry, my sorrow, my bad and good side without any intention to leave my side. At least, not yet.

he gives me comfort and protection that I always need.

He shows me how does it feel to be loved.

But do you know the funny thing?

He doesn't know yet that I'm in love with him

And I don't know either whether he already has someone in his side or not.

Yes,

He might be run away and reject me like the other guys when sooner or later he find out that I'm in love with him

He might say to me that he already has someone that he loves waiting for him in his home

And I might end up broken into pieces. It will be hurtful, more than before because I'm deeply in love with him.

But you should also know that I'm a different person right now,

That because of him I'm getting stronger

Because of him, now I have the courage to handle my fear and keep loving him even if I have the familiar love story in the future.

Because he shows me that he is worth to fight for.

Because he bring me something that I've never been able to feel before .... he shows me how does it feel to be loved.

So I will fight for him, for my love

I want to love of him until in the time when my heart says that I really need to stop.

A Girl With Her Wings

Backsound:

 

This is a story about a little girl

Who is about to spread her wings widely

Namun saat sayapnya akan membentang sempurna,

Burung-burung gagak mencabuti bulu-bulu sayap gadis itu dengan paksa

Gagak-gagak itu berbulu hitam kelam dengan tatapan mengejek yang mengintimidasi

Para gagak tertawa terbahak menikmati mangsa di depannya

Sambil mencabuti bulut putih sang gadis, mereka berkata ..

Sambil terbahak mereka berkata bahwa seorang gadis jelek tidak pantas memiliki sayap

“Gadis jelek sepertimu bahkan tidak pantas untuk berdiri di tempat ini,” Kata mereka merendahkan.

Sang gadis hanya bisa menunduk tanpa bisa melawan

Ia hanya merasakan sakit dalam diam

Ia hanya mampu berteriak bisu di tengah ejekan dan tawa para gagak

Tangisan bahkan tak bisa membantunya

Mulutnya terdiam membisu tanpa kata yang terucap dari bibirnya

Kepalanya tertunduk dalam saat ia berjalan

Para gagak terus merendahkannya hingga bulu sayapnya habis sama sekali

Hingga sang gadis menggigil kedinginan di tengah ketakutan dan kesendiriannya

Tidak ada satu orang pun yang rela menyelamatkannya

Dia bahkan tidak berani menatap siapapun di tengah kesendiriannya

Tiga tahun ..

Tiga tahun lamanya gadis itu menunggu hingga para gagak merasa puas dan pergi meninggalkannya

Tiga tahun hingga sang gadis percaya bahwa dia hanya seonggok makhluk buruk rupa

Cermin dan kamera pun menjadi musuh sejatinya

Bertahun-tahun sesudahnya gadis itu mencoba berteman dengan sang cermin dan sang kamera

Dengan wajah buruk rupanya, sang gadis mencoba pulih dan bangkit

Memunguti bulu-bulunya yang telah berterbangan

Dengan menjahit bulu-bulu itu satu persatu kembali ke sayapnya, sang gadis memperdayai diri dan cermin yang selalu dia pandangi

Bahwa kecantikan masih dimilikinya,

Kecantikan itu masih tersisa di dalam otaknya, meskipun tidak di fisiknya

Tidak mudah baginya untuk menjahit kembali bulu-bulunya

Ketakutan selalu menghantuinya

Tidak jarang pula dia melukai orang di sekelilingnya untuk menjaga dirinya sendiri agar tidak lagi terluka

Apakah kamu tidak penasaran apa yang dilakukan gadis itu saat ini?

Dengan segala ketakutan yang selalu membayanginya

Dengan masa lalu yang akan terus menghantuinya

Sayapnya kini mulai pulih

Bentangan sayapnya mulai melebar, meskipun sayapnya tidak pernah seindah awalnya

Meskipun dirinya sudah tidak semurni dahulu

Meskipun akan ada luka yang terus menganga dan tidak mampu sembuh

Gadis itu perlahan-lahan terbang mencapai mimpinya sendiri

Mimpi yang membuatnya berdarah dan melumuri tangannya dengan darah orang lain

Meskipun dia masih tidak tahu jalan mana yang dia tempuh

Tapi dia akan terus terbang

Meskipun ketakutan tak akan hilang dari badannya

Tapi dia tidak memiliki pilihan lain untuk tetap terbang

Karena dia sudah berjalan terlalu jauh, dan dia tidak mampu kembali ke tempatnya semula