He Taught Me

He makes me fall in love
He taught me the inner happiness when I was able to make him smile
He taught me the sadness when he built a wall between me and him
He taught me the desperate and longing feelings when I tried to make everything work again between us but he didn't want it
He taught me the jealousy when he treated everyone so nice with all his heart while he ignored me and pushed me away
He taught me how to let go and find my own peace by hurting, ignoring, and treating me as he wants
He taught me how to forgive even he might not deserve it
He taught me how to act cool when I'm brokenhearted
Because of him, I make myself okay when it suppose to be not okay

***

But do you realize the irony?

You realize and try to make everything when I can't even see your existence anymore, when everything is just virtual.

I might be okay and cool today, but don't blame if I'm in doubt in the next day.

Because I'm in the dark right now, I can't make sure your sincerity

I can't really feel your sincerity because everything is just virtual ...

Missing at Heart

She's strong and she wants to be stronger day by day
Because she wants to be able to accompany and support him even in his hard times
She's thousand miles away from him and she's missing him so much
But she doesn't dare to tell him the truth
So she always slipped that word between her jokes to cover the true intention
She really wants to call or do video call with him
But she doesn't dare to ask
Because she knows that he doesn't love her yet
Because she afraid if he knows that she still love him, he won't contact him anymore
So she secretly listen his voice note over and over again whenever he send it to her
And after that she smile because she feel grateful that he still wants to left traces of his real existence for her
Her friends tell her to let go of him and just move on
Her friends say since he thousand miles away so it will be easier to move on
But she would rather to feel the pain of missing him than lose him
She thinks that it would be easier to keep the feeling rather than get rid of it

So she starts to learn
to learn how to manage her missing feeling
Manage to just keep it in her heart
So he won't be annoy with it
So he won't feel uncomfortable with her feeling and willing to talk to her as a friend
She will keep it in her heart
Until the day when he finally love her comes
Until the day when he finally say to her, "I miss you"
She doesn't know whether that day will comes or not
She doesn't know how to make that day comes to her
She is now walking in the dark path without light
But she believe that the light will shows up one day
And she willing to wait

Good Bye 2015!

So Hi!
It's still 9: 29 pm on January 1, 2016 when I start writing this so it's still new year, right?

I'm sleepy, finally I feel sleepy in this hour. Since I arrived at Korea, most of the time I can't sleep before it's 2 or 3 am and it's so annoying!
But I decided to write on my blog about what I thought on the previous year 2015.

I'm actually not the type who has a good memories or remembering how the feeling of  some particular events in my life if it's already happened for quiet a long time. Well, long time for me means more than 4 months. I know it's quiet short but I do really have a bad memories.

For me 2015 is a beyond imagination year!
It isn't a plain year like some previous years in my life.
In this year I've been through a lot of things.

At the first time of my life, I decided to try a new challenge to be a leader of a music event. I know I'm an amateur who know nothing on organizing a music event before but the reason to took that challenge is because I want to be a music promoter or become a Korean Entertainment Agency's staff in the future so it would become a great experience for me to learn about the environment in this field. I was also taking a big step at that time since that was also the first time for me to finally had the courage to take the leader role on big event or occasion.

But then those became a big lesson in my life. Well, a big lesson won't come easily. It means that there are hurtful, rough, and hard path that I've been through in order to get the lesson. In this experience I was learning to face a failure and my biggest failure is not able to manage the risk well and fail to put us together in one vision so everything become a mess. At this time I didn't know what decision that I had to make it everything's right so I decided to step down from my position as a team leader.
Those decision was not an easy thing to make because I know that I can lost my credibility and be judged as irresponsible person for a long time but at that time time what I could think was if I keep my ego and keep being a leader then I will ruin this team deeper.

These failure may be the worst failure I’ve ever had but then I know that it isn’t a bad choice for the team and myself because from the new team leader, I able to learn more about leadership and how to handle people also facing the problems. And then from this experience I believe that failure is not there to destroying me but to develop me more in the future. That’s why I’m not embarrassed to tell this story to people. From the past experience, I realize that I eagerly want to expand my limit from many and various people also experiences in order to become a successful and global leader.


Then I tried to apply one of the exchange scholarship program that I've been waiting for about 3 years. This scholarship means a lot for me since it's been a long time that I want to go abroad, do exchange, become a better person for myself and people around me, and also go to South Korea. While completing the application I put a mindset in my mind that it would be the last chance for me to go abroad, get scholarship, and do exchange program since I'm already in my last year of college so if I couldn't get this scholarship then I've to focus on my internship report and thesis.
At this time I didn't even dare to tell to many people even my best friends that I'm applying this program since I'm afraid that if I tell to many people and I failed, I'll be feel ashamed and stress.

And a miracle happen to me! I became one of the awardees in this program which is FAFL 2015/2016 (Fostering ASEAN Future Leaders Programme 2015/2016). I couldn't even believe myself that I worth to receive this scholarship. But then I still didn't dare tell this good news to many people even my best friends because I was facing hard times when completing the documents and the visa application. I was fighting with the time. Every preparation was so thrilling so I thought that I'll tell my best friends when everything is fix and clear.
But then I feel so sorry since I was able to do that,telling the good news to my best friends, when I already on my way to the airport so they didn't have the chance to meet me before I was going to South Korea.

A lot of 'first time happening in my life' happened while doing this program. It the first time for me to experience the magic of mountain and truly see also experience it by myself the word "People will show their true self in mountain". I hiked! I truly I did and had a bravery to climb a mountain. And I wouldn't able to climb without all the help from my ASEAN friends. Trust me my ASEAN friends are amazing people in one place!

I'm still doing this exchange program until now. What I can say about this program is I learn a lot to be grateful every second and be mature as a woman. There are always miracles in my daily and everyday life while doing this program and also there are a lot of challenges whether it's in my personal or professional life that makes me always have to learn to be a mature woman.

Hans Christian Andersen once saying, "To Travel is to Live" is really true.
When you do really travel, everything is just different from what you always heard. The spiritual experiences aren't able to be described in the words. While traveling you'll know how to be truly appreciate every moment, every second in your life

So good bye 2015!
A wonderful and beyond imagination year in my life!

I leave this year with true smile since I know that I've done all my best in my personal and professional life even in my love life!
So I leave this year with no regrets!


And in case you're curious with what is my resolution in this leap year then I'll boldly saying:

I WANT TO ALWAYS BE LOVED!






Cheers!


Vivin Septiani J a.k.a your beloved Bibin